LUDIC LIVE

Hello, friends and readers!

As you probably already know if you are strangely obsessed with the financial peculiarities of people on the internet, I am a full-time freelance writer, and at the moment, 100% of my drastically tiny income is derived from writing.  And although I would never suggest that I am your equal in matters of hygiene, physical attractiveness, or basic human decency, I am like you in that I got bills to pay.

Many people reach out to their readers with donation drives; I am not one of them.  I work for a living, and don’t feel comfortable taking handouts for any number of reasons.  First, I prefer to think that the money I get is earned, not out of any abiding love of capitalism or self-reliance, but because it pleases me to think there’s at least one thing I’m good enough at that someone will pay me to do it.  Second, as you also probably already know, I did something pretty disgraceful and stupid earlier in my career, and I don’t feel like I’ve earned enough trust from my readers to ask them to pay me for doing nothing.  So you won’t see a big yellow glad-hand button on this site anytime soon.

But money I need, and if money you got, I’m happy to suggest ways for you to spend it.

First and most urgently, there’s the direct approach.  I offer a number of exciting and somewhat unique services via this website, all of which may be purchased by you at a surprisingly reasonable price.  Real people like yourself have taken advantage of them, to the overall enhancement of their lives.  Might your life be similarly enhanced?  Why don’t we find out together?  These services include, but are not limited to:

- Raps.  For a very small fee, I will write a rap for you about food; for a slightly larger fee, I will write a ‘dis’ rap making sport of a person of your acquaintance; and for a still larger but absolutely affordable fee, I will not only wrote a rap about any subject of your choosing, but I will also record it over an illegally acquired beat and send a copy to you for your listening pleasure.

- Spice mixes.  I am in the habit of creating mixes for the express purpose of enhancing the flavor of foods with a variety of ethnic and cuisine-specific herbs and spices; for not very much money, I will send you one at random, or for a bit more money, I will send you a specific blend (list of varieties available upon request) or even make you a tailored blend suited to your taste and temperament.

- Naming service.  Perhaps you are writing a novel, and are unable to come up with the perfect name that communicates that your hero is a lantern-jawed no-nonsense sort of fellow disinclined to take guff.  Perhaps you have crafted a home-brew and want a clever name to distract your friends from its terrible taste.  Perhaps you have just had a baby, and are boring.  I name things for you!

- Menu planning.  Putting together a party, get-together, soiree, or ‘happening’?  Lack the time, talent, or ability to put together a menu that pleases your guests and their high standards of mooching?  For a reasonable fee, I will plan a multi-course menu suited to your event, complete with recipes.  If you have more money than good sense, I will even come to your home and cook it for you!

- Short story subscription service.  Starting in June, I will be offering a new short story, delivered exclusively via e-mail only to subscribers, each month to those who join the plan.  Higher-level members will receive additional materials and even a short novella once per year!  Help revive the great pulp tradition, only in a much stranger and less relatable fashion.

- Mysterious boxes of thrift.  For a small fee, I will travel to a nearby thrift store, purchase a small number of items selected according to a rigorous but impenetrable process, and send them to you in the mail.  For a bit more, I will drive to another city or town, purchase a larger number of items via the same enigmatic criteria, and deliver them to you via U.S. post.  Thrillingly odd!

- Textual gaslighting.  You send me:  money and randomly selected items from your home upon which things can be written.  I send you:  the same items, but this time with various cryptic, disturbing, mysterious, threatening, and/or unsettling messages, slogans and other forms of unnerving one-way communication.  Frighten your spouse!  Drive your roommates insane!  Not for gambling!

If you have any inquiries, special requests, or a desire to learn exactly what the hell I think I’m doing here, please send me an e-mail; you can learn more about these strikingly special services by clicking here, on the “American Milk Solids Council” logo on the side menu, on the chubby self-delusional aristocrat logo above, on the “menu de l’offre” link at the top of the page, or on the “PURCHASE EXCITING LUDIC LIVE INTERNET HANDICRAFTS” option on the Links menu.  Payment may be made via cash or money order, or via PayPal:  leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com.

I am, of course, also available to hire as a freelance writer.  I have 25 years’ experience and a vast range of writing skills; I have worked for dozens of satisfied clients at alternative weeklies, websites, local and national magazines, trade and consumer publications, advertising agencies and media design firms, educational publishers, and other private companies.  I have written corporate newsletters, advertising copy, album liner notes and DVD packaging copy, record reviews, film reviews, book reviews, television reviews, restaurant reviews, interviews, features, textbooks, magazine articles, fiction, humor, news reportage, obituaries, and everything in between.  I have written two books and contributed to three more.  There is no kind of writing assignment I can’t handle — on time, in tone, when and how you need it.

If you’re interested in hiring an experienced, efficient, and talented writer for your project, paper, or any other required writing, please consider me.   A brief selection of my work can be found by clicking here, on the distressed robot head, atop the page on “Portfolio”, or in the links sidebar.  If you’re looking for longer-term assignments and wish to view my CV or résumé, or if you’d like additional credits or items from my portfolio to help you make your hiring decision, please e-mail me here or at leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com.

If you prefer a more indirect way of giving me money, perhaps you’d like to purchase my latest book, If You Like The Sopranos.  The first of a series by the fine folks at Limelight Editions, the book deals with the “Century of Crime”, in which a rising tide of urban organized crime was reflected in popular culture — film, television, literature, even music and video games — culminating in the development of The Sopranos, a show that forever changed the way we viewed both organized crime and television.  Well-reviewed and containing a plenitude of tips for even veteran crime-show watchers, it’s available at a peach of a price by clicking here, on the pork-fed sociopath above,  at the top of the page where it says “BUY MY BOOK”, or on the self-evident sidebar locations.  Buy enough copies, and I may get some royalties — or another book deal.

In addition, please watch this space — I’m hoping to make an announcement within the next two weeks about the availability for purchase of my next book, a collection of short humor entitled Moods from Marbletown.  It’ll be available as POD from Lulu.com, with the majority of the profit coming to me and not to middlemen.  If you have any inquiries about my books, again, please e-mail me:  leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com.

There are also plenty of ways to support me and my work without spending a dime.  Obviously, I would prefer that dimes be spent, as my creditors do not accept the clicking of a “Like” button as legal tender, but my name is my name, and I appreciate any and all support you care to give me:

You can visit my Tumblr at First World Problems and learn about the intolerable suffering of white people in America.

You can listen to the outstanding, award-nominated podcast Wasted Words, on which I am a regular guest panelist.

You can purchase the AV Club’s Inventory…

or Chunklet’s Indie Cred Test, both of which feature many contributions from me.

You can get a load of the High Hat, an internet journal of arts and culture I was pleased to write for and edit for several years.

You can purchase this issue of the excellent magazine Burning Ambulance, in which I have a featured article on fascist style.

And, of course, you can follow me on the usual social media suspects:  Facebook, Twitter, Google +, LinkedIn, and Yelp!.

Again, please watch this space for announcements of future projects.  I encourage and appreciate your custom, and those of you who put some money my way are guaranteed a place in Heaven if by some hilarious misunderstanding I am ever elected God.  You can always contact me via e-mail (leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com), telephone (210-569-4082), or postal service (4051 Tallulah Drive; San Antonio, TX 78218).  All inquiries welcome, all projects considered, all offers 100% genuine.  Thank you for your continued attention.

Attention media professionals, academics, authors, popular culture enthusiasts, seekers after wisdom, and other information-needing individuals and/or organizations:  today is your lucky day!  For today is the day I , Leonard A. Pierce Jr., announce that I am available for consultation on any and all topics — at a highly reasonable fee — as a Qualified Expert!

Ermm…on what, exactly?

On everything.

Could you be a bit more precise?

I am offering my expertise to you, your organization, your institution, company, conglomerate, website, pod-cast, think tank, ruling government and/or loyal opposition, criminal enterprise, rebel group, or ‘uncategorizable’ as a Qualified Expert on all things.  I will answer all questions, decide all issues, settle all arguments, reveal all secrets, pass all judgments, and provide all advice you may require, for a fee suitable to your needs and resources.

Why you, exactly?

Because I am never wrong.

What?

You heard me.

But surely.

But surely indeed.  And yet here we both are.

What…I mean, you’re not saying you’re always right, are you?

No, I am saying I am never wrong.  The distinction is subtle but important.  However, if it furthers your trust in the Leonard Pierce, Qualified Expert experience to believe that I am always right, I am willing to settle for that interpretation of my abilities.

But what about that one time…

Yes.  Even then.

You know which time I’m talking about?

Yes.

And yet you still maintain…

Yes, even then I was right.  No one is more surprised than me.  Indeed, it was that time that convinced me that if I was not wrong under those circumstances — which seemed specifically constructed to make me wrong — then it was entirely possible, perhaps even probable, and from there a mere gavotte across the floor to inevitable, that I am never wrong.

About…

Anything.

So you’re saying that you know everything.

No, I am not saying that.  I have no more access to information than any other jobless oaf with an internet connection. I do not know everything; however, I am never wrong.  If you ask me a question, the answer I give you may not be factually correct, but neither will it be wrong.

I don’t think I fully understand this concept.

It is difficult to completely comprehend until you see it in action.

And I assume that’s going to cost me?

Yes.  But the price may range from a cocktail to several hundred million dollars.  From each according to his abilities and all that.

Who said that, smart guy?

Uh-uh, no freebies.  Hit the sidewalk, freeloader.

All right, fine.  For what sort of questions might I utilize your service?

• The true meaning of life
• How to make a proper Gibson cocktail
• The identity of the greatest athlete in human history
• The correct moral action in any given situation
• The soundtrack one should prepare for a specific activity, from a half-hour masturbation session to one’s betrothal ceremony to a ewe
• Advice to the lovelorn
• The rectitude and applicability of various permutations of foul language
• All correct opinions on art, literature, music, film, philosophy, and culture
• Presenting one’s self to society
• Ending a sentence with a proposition and why it is acceptable
• Employing the word ‘utilize’ instead of ‘use’ and why it is not acceptable
• Etc.

But, listen.  Surely you don’t think that you are genuinely right about everything.

I know that I am.

How?

I believe that I was created by God to be his own oracle on Earth, dispensing the truth to all who know to ask the right questions.

Come on.  You don’t even believe in God.

That’s true.

So how do you know you’re always right?

It just seems like I would be.

So assuming I credit this outrageously ridiculous claim, how might I take advantage of your alleged correctness on all possible topics?

Simply write to me via this website, leonard at ludic live dot com.  Let me know what your subject of inquiry is, in what venue you would like it answered (podcast, tele-vision program, e-mail, secret meeting of sinister cabal, etc.), and what learning the answer to your pressing question might be worth to you.  I guarantee the process will be rewarding, satisfying, and potentially life-altering, up to but not including the point at which those terms become legally actionable.  Write today!  I get not wronger every minute.

Welcome to 2012, Ludic legions!

Whoa, I was channeling Stan Lee for a minute there, he must have gotten bottle service and nodded off.  Anyway, I’d like to take this opportunity to usher in the new year and let you know what’s up for this site and for me in general, because if you’re reading this, you’ve expressed an unexplainable interest in my activities.

First of all, as you may have heard, thanks to our dynamic American economy, I have recently become what is known as a “victim of reduced circumstance”, or, to put it in more Objectivist terms, a poverty-stricken loser.  Thanks to the good fortune of having a Southern family, I’ve avoided homelessness (or, to be precise, houselessness), and things will surely be looking up, but if any of you are inclined to donate to FailureThon 2012, I can be PayPalled via leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com.  As a great political leader once said, “I’ll take any motherfucker’s money if he givin’ it away.”

But, thanks to a series of birth defects and the entirely unsupportable vestiges of a Protestant work ethic, I’d rather earn money than just take it!  I’m happy to say that there will be a number of exciting projects coming your way this year that I hope will pique your interest and earn your dimes.  This blog will be updated at least three times a week in the coming year with the usual vaguely referential pseudo-humor, politely bitchy political opinionizing, and reviews of things you will never read, watch, or listen to, and it will continue to be free as always.  But I have a major endeavor, launching (hopefully) in the spring, that will feature new and original writings — by myself and, eventually, other creative and talented folks — to which you can subscribe or buy a la carte at exceptionally reasonable prices.  It’ll be a micro-pay set-up, with no administrative or production fees built in, and all the money will go directly to the creators.  After a Kickstarter start-up, I hope to get it going as soon as possible, and while I want to keep the details mum until the official announcement, I think it’s something all of you will find compelling and worth your couple-of-bucks.  But you’ll get new fiction each month, delivered in the format of your choice, and a full book at the end of the year of new material.  It’ll be an exciting new experiment that gives you well-written and exciting short and long-form fiction from talented writers, with a large degree of participation from you, the reader.  I’ll give the specifics here once the Kickstarter campaign begins, but if you’re interested, please feel free to e-mail me for details at leonard at ludic live dot com.

There will also be some merchandise for sale, because everyone has merchandise, and why shouldn’t I have merchandise?  There is no reason why not, so within a month or so, you can purchase Ludic Lessons apparel from the already overstuffed pantry of American t-shirtery.  Stay tuned for more on that later this month.  I also hope, by spring or early summer, to have a new print-on-demand book — made from actual flayed tree corpses —  for sale, comprising a collection of my best blog posts from the last decade of internet tomfoolery.  This book, entitled Moods from Marbletown, will feature the ‘greatest hits’ of my previous web-work, as well as some new material just for purchasers of the book — and if you never read it before, it’s all new to you, wot wot.  Of course, my latest released-through-an-actual-publisher book, If You Like The Sopranos, is still available for purchase, and I encourage you to pick up a reasonably priced edition at the outlet of your choosing.  I hope to have another new book out this year or early next, but more on that later.

2011 was a rough year, and there’s no guarantees that 2012 will be better.  But if the job market isn’t going to provide, I’m going to do my best to make my own opportunities by providing you with the chance to support quality fiction and non-fiction writing at low prices, and feel like you’re involving yourself in a creative enterprise that’s filtered only by you, and not by endless layers of editors, publishers, agents and middlemen.  Louis C.K. proved last year that the internet really does offer new and exciting ways of bringing your art directly to your fans and still making money.  I don’t have that level of ambition (or talent, or audience, let’s not fucking kid ourselves), and I don’t know if these projects will succeed or fail.  But I want to test the theory that it’s possible for a single creator, working with a small audience, can still make a living, even in a highly mediated economy, instead of, as another great political leader once said, having to “just put our hand in the next guy’s pocket“.  That’s up to you, up to me, and up to a whole lot of luck.  But I don’t want to spend any more time not trying.  Maybe this is the year the world ends; maybe it’s a new beginning.  But either way, now’s the time for trying things.  I hope you’ll try them with me.

Tomorrow:  back to our regularly scheduled.

Hey, cats and kittens!  My new book, If You Like the Sopranos, is out today!  Your local bookstore is just waiting for you to stop by and pick up a copy; you can also order it online from, among other places, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Powell’s, and the publisher, Limelight Editions.  Get it at once:  here’s why.

1.  It is a good book!  Even if you’re not the world’s biggest Sopranos fan, you will enjoy the maxi- and mini-essays about great crime films of the past and trends in crime fiction heading into the future, as well as analysis of how The Sopranos helped changed television for good, and hundreds of recommendations of other crime-story media for your enjoyment.

2.  It is a cheap book!  It costs a mere $15, which let’s face it is like three cheap Subway foot-longs.  You probably spend that much on bourbon before lunchtime, or at least you do if you are anything like me.

3.  It is a timely book!  Not in the sense that it focuses on a television show that went off the air four years ago, but in the sense that it looks at a lot of modern developments in crime fiction, and also it is being released just in time for the winter holidays, in which you are often obligated to buy gifts, which this makes a perfect.

4.  It is a groundbreaking book!  By which I mean, it is the first of a series of If You Like… books by Limelight Editions, which likewise recommend new paths and passages to follow if you’re into various iconic pop-culture phenomena.  Future installments include If You Like Monty Python, by the AV Club’s Zack Handlen; If You Like the Terminator, by my good friend and film critic/movie janitor Scott Von Doviak, books on Metallica, the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and South Park, and, hopefully, my future masterpiece, If You Like Pink Lady But Not Jeff.  I’m honored to have written the first book in the series; help it get off the ground by buying in!

5.  It is a lovely book!  Lime green and scarlet:  who doesn’t love that color scheme? If it’s good enough for android superhero the Vision, it’s good enough for me!

6.  It is a book I will sign for you!  It is a book I will doodle in for you!  It is a book I will talk about on your blog, your broadcast interview show, your podcast, or your creepy talk show that you host in your basement with mannequins that have pieces missing!  For the right price, it is a book I will read to you aloud during bathroom breaks at your place of employment!

7.  It is a book I wrote!  You can buy it in order to support me and my poverty-stricken lifestyle to prove your friendship, or to destroy in some bizarre access of strangely personal hatred!  I don’t care what you do with it, just buy it!

It’s episode #6 of the hotly contested PetardCast, this time featuring Brooklyn’s funniest cake-maker and Channel 101 veteran Shek Baker.  Together, we will insult the Irish, take cheap shots at poets, and finally cement a lasting peace between the Arabs and the Jews.  I also debut a new feature (Received Ideas for a New Millennium), revive an old one (Naming of Parts), and gratuitously insult beloved Minnesota-based internet personalities.  Comedy has been made just for you; won’t you please give it a loving home?

Listen to this week’s PetardCast!

Say, did you know that I don’t just get drunk and do my own podcast? No!  I also get drunk and do a much better podcast!  It is called Wasted Words, hosted by RJ White and featuring a panel of amusing alcoholics.  I’m part of that panel this week, so why not listen as RJ and I, along with Shek Baker, Andrew Lin, and Tony Zaret, discuss our favorite moments of extreme humiliation?  You’ll be glad you did.

The fifth episode of the pointless, peculiar PetardCast brings us our first pretty lady guest, Olivia Todd.  She will abet some sketch comedy, discuss fashion, and, horrifically, defend hipsters.  Also, I will discuss the career of the legendary Anton “Googsey” Mauston, give advice on how to be a real man, and speak of our celebrity betters.  It is comedy!  Pay attention to it!

Listen to this week’s PetardCast!