LUDIC LIVE

Hello, friends and readers!

As you probably already know if you are strangely obsessed with the financial peculiarities of people on the internet, I am a full-time freelance writer, and at the moment, 100% of my drastically tiny income is derived from writing.  And although I would never suggest that I am your equal in matters of hygiene, physical attractiveness, or basic human decency, I am like you in that I got bills to pay.

Many people reach out to their readers with donation drives; I am not one of them.  I work for a living, and don’t feel comfortable taking handouts for any number of reasons.  First, I prefer to think that the money I get is earned, not out of any abiding love of capitalism or self-reliance, but because it pleases me to think there’s at least one thing I’m good enough at that someone will pay me to do it.  Second, as you also probably already know, I did something pretty disgraceful and stupid earlier in my career, and I don’t feel like I’ve earned enough trust from my readers to ask them to pay me for doing nothing.  So you won’t see a big yellow glad-hand button on this site anytime soon.

But money I need, and if money you got, I’m happy to suggest ways for you to spend it.

First and most urgently, there’s the direct approach.  I offer a number of exciting and somewhat unique services via this website, all of which may be purchased by you at a surprisingly reasonable price.  Real people like yourself have taken advantage of them, to the overall enhancement of their lives.  Might your life be similarly enhanced?  Why don’t we find out together?  These services include, but are not limited to:

- Raps.  For a very small fee, I will write a rap for you about food; for a slightly larger fee, I will write a ‘dis’ rap making sport of a person of your acquaintance; and for a still larger but absolutely affordable fee, I will not only wrote a rap about any subject of your choosing, but I will also record it over an illegally acquired beat and send a copy to you for your listening pleasure.

- Spice mixes.  I am in the habit of creating mixes for the express purpose of enhancing the flavor of foods with a variety of ethnic and cuisine-specific herbs and spices; for not very much money, I will send you one at random, or for a bit more money, I will send you a specific blend (list of varieties available upon request) or even make you a tailored blend suited to your taste and temperament.

- Naming service.  Perhaps you are writing a novel, and are unable to come up with the perfect name that communicates that your hero is a lantern-jawed no-nonsense sort of fellow disinclined to take guff.  Perhaps you have crafted a home-brew and want a clever name to distract your friends from its terrible taste.  Perhaps you have just had a baby, and are boring.  I name things for you!

- Menu planning.  Putting together a party, get-together, soiree, or ‘happening’?  Lack the time, talent, or ability to put together a menu that pleases your guests and their high standards of mooching?  For a reasonable fee, I will plan a multi-course menu suited to your event, complete with recipes.  If you have more money than good sense, I will even come to your home and cook it for you!

- Short story subscription service.  Starting in June, I will be offering a new short story, delivered exclusively via e-mail only to subscribers, each month to those who join the plan.  Higher-level members will receive additional materials and even a short novella once per year!  Help revive the great pulp tradition, only in a much stranger and less relatable fashion.

- Mysterious boxes of thrift.  For a small fee, I will travel to a nearby thrift store, purchase a small number of items selected according to a rigorous but impenetrable process, and send them to you in the mail.  For a bit more, I will drive to another city or town, purchase a larger number of items via the same enigmatic criteria, and deliver them to you via U.S. post.  Thrillingly odd!

- Textual gaslighting.  You send me:  money and randomly selected items from your home upon which things can be written.  I send you:  the same items, but this time with various cryptic, disturbing, mysterious, threatening, and/or unsettling messages, slogans and other forms of unnerving one-way communication.  Frighten your spouse!  Drive your roommates insane!  Not for gambling!

If you have any inquiries, special requests, or a desire to learn exactly what the hell I think I’m doing here, please send me an e-mail; you can learn more about these strikingly special services by clicking here, on the “American Milk Solids Council” logo on the side menu, on the chubby self-delusional aristocrat logo above, on the “menu de l’offre” link at the top of the page, or on the “PURCHASE EXCITING LUDIC LIVE INTERNET HANDICRAFTS” option on the Links menu.  Payment may be made via cash or money order, or via PayPal:  leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com.

I am, of course, also available to hire as a freelance writer.  I have 25 years’ experience and a vast range of writing skills; I have worked for dozens of satisfied clients at alternative weeklies, websites, local and national magazines, trade and consumer publications, advertising agencies and media design firms, educational publishers, and other private companies.  I have written corporate newsletters, advertising copy, album liner notes and DVD packaging copy, record reviews, film reviews, book reviews, television reviews, restaurant reviews, interviews, features, textbooks, magazine articles, fiction, humor, news reportage, obituaries, and everything in between.  I have written two books and contributed to three more.  There is no kind of writing assignment I can’t handle — on time, in tone, when and how you need it.

If you’re interested in hiring an experienced, efficient, and talented writer for your project, paper, or any other required writing, please consider me.   A brief selection of my work can be found by clicking here, on the distressed robot head, atop the page on “Portfolio”, or in the links sidebar.  If you’re looking for longer-term assignments and wish to view my CV or résumé, or if you’d like additional credits or items from my portfolio to help you make your hiring decision, please e-mail me here or at leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com.

If you prefer a more indirect way of giving me money, perhaps you’d like to purchase my latest book, If You Like The Sopranos.  The first of a series by the fine folks at Limelight Editions, the book deals with the “Century of Crime”, in which a rising tide of urban organized crime was reflected in popular culture — film, television, literature, even music and video games — culminating in the development of The Sopranos, a show that forever changed the way we viewed both organized crime and television.  Well-reviewed and containing a plenitude of tips for even veteran crime-show watchers, it’s available at a peach of a price by clicking here, on the pork-fed sociopath above,  at the top of the page where it says “BUY MY BOOK”, or on the self-evident sidebar locations.  Buy enough copies, and I may get some royalties — or another book deal.

In addition, please watch this space — I’m hoping to make an announcement within the next two weeks about the availability for purchase of my next book, a collection of short humor entitled Moods from Marbletown.  It’ll be available as POD from Lulu.com, with the majority of the profit coming to me and not to middlemen.  If you have any inquiries about my books, again, please e-mail me:  leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com.

There are also plenty of ways to support me and my work without spending a dime.  Obviously, I would prefer that dimes be spent, as my creditors do not accept the clicking of a “Like” button as legal tender, but my name is my name, and I appreciate any and all support you care to give me:

You can visit my Tumblr at First World Problems and learn about the intolerable suffering of white people in America.

You can listen to the outstanding, award-nominated podcast Wasted Words, on which I am a regular guest panelist.

You can purchase the AV Club’s Inventory…

or Chunklet’s Indie Cred Test, both of which feature many contributions from me.

You can get a load of the High Hat, an internet journal of arts and culture I was pleased to write for and edit for several years.

You can purchase this issue of the excellent magazine Burning Ambulance, in which I have a featured article on fascist style.

And, of course, you can follow me on the usual social media suspects:  Facebook, Twitter, Google +, LinkedIn, and Yelp!.

Again, please watch this space for announcements of future projects.  I encourage and appreciate your custom, and those of you who put some money my way are guaranteed a place in Heaven if by some hilarious misunderstanding I am ever elected God.  You can always contact me via e-mail (leonard dot pierce at gmail dot com), telephone (210-569-4082), or postal service (4051 Tallulah Drive; San Antonio, TX 78218).  All inquiries welcome, all projects considered, all offers 100% genuine.  Thank you for your continued attention.

As the Occupy Wall Street movement drags on, and law enforcement agencies make the foolish but predictable decision to respond to its persistence with violence, a fundamental contradiction begins to make itself known in our political lives.

It has always been a basic assumption of even the most partisan political disagreements that one’s opponent comes by their opposition honestly.  No matter how much disagreement there may be between leftists, who believe the government has a responsibility to help citizens in need, and rightists, who believe the government’s role is minimal and largely consists of staying out of the way, civil life demands that we believe each side truly believes in a genuine philosophical position, and we accept on good faith the arguments that are made in favor of that position.

The question of whether or not it helps the economy in hard times to increase taxes on the wealthy, for example, or the general efficacy of deregulation:  no matter how settled I think these questions may be, no matter how far back I can cite the historical record, I must allow myself to believe that those who disagree do so out of an honest interpretation of an opposing, but legitimate, alternative view of economics.  Opposing opinions on the value of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, too — indeed, the whole idea of an aggressive and belligerent foreign policy as opposed to cooperative or isolationist ones — must be taken at face value if the all-important common ground, the cornerstone of political progress, is to be found.  Even obviously self-serving attempts to line up the facts in a partisan way is acceptable, provided we can all agree on what the facts are.  The belief in good faith is as essential to democracy as voting, and while we may forgive our political opponents for ignorance, we must not suspect them of deception.

What has emerged in the last 20 years or so, in conjunction with (if not because of) the rise of new media and the deepening of political division, is something different — not new, but ugly and old.  It is an argumentation based on deliberate falsehood and distortion, which is not politics, but propaganda.  And propaganda is not a tool of civil society; it is an instrument of war.

More and more, the rhetoric and argument that has crept in from the fringes of the right wing to its political mainstream is based on intentional lies and group slander, of the sort found in the language of eliminationism.  The goal of this type of language is not to win a political debate, or to shape policy; it is to dehumanize the very possession of an alternative viewpoint, to wage war against entire groups of people, to not just defeat an opponent’s argument but to drive it from the face of the Earth.  There is precious little difference between the characterization of the entire political left as an agglomeration of thugs, crypto-Soviets, race-baiters, terrorist sympathizers and hippie freeloaders and the Soviet view of capitalists, backsliders and kulaks, or the Nazi cartoons of Jews as parasites and wreckers.  None of these arguments are about politics, and their presumptions are not based on practical analysis of policies and results, but on apocalyptic pronouncements of ruination and evil.  They are, at heart, moral and existential judgements, not political arguments, and this makes them extremely dangerous.

And perhaps the most dangerous thing about them is their increasing frequency in mainstream political discourse.  With unemployment at near-record highs and unprecedented lengths, the get-a-job hoots — nonsensical but a real crowdpleaser with the right-wing crazies — continue to ring out despite their obvious absurdity.  Anyone who pays even the slightest bit of attention to the news knows that jobs are scarce and joblessness is at record highs.  (Particularly egregious is the vituperation directed at people collecting unemployment insurance, who are not only being repaid money already put into the system, but who are, by definition, blameless; in almost all circumstances, you cannot collect UI if you quit or were fired for cause.)  And yet it begins to be heard, not just from the amateur busybodies in comment sections and blogs, but from mainstream, legitimate candidates like Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain.  Almost every leading Republican has repeated the malicious lie that the majority of poor and working-class people do not pay taxes; this is beyond a partisan interpretation and into the realm of a deliberate and harmful untruth designed to paint huge segments of struggling Americans as leeches and scum.  It’s a falsehood that has no place in legitimate political discourse, but it has come out of the mouth of GOP heir apparent Mitt Romney on several occasions, though he surely knows it is a lie.

The most curious thing is the reversal taking place, and how easily it is accepted:  liberals and Democrats are the ones who are called radical socialists, wreckers of the social fabric, usurpers of the Constitution, and Occupy Wall Street Protesters termed dangerous lunatics seeking the destruction of our sacred institutions.  And yet, outside of a few fringe types, the Democratic party could not be more mainstream and moderate, and the OWS crowd’s demands — for jobs, for government aid to stimulate the economy during a lengthy and profound slump, for more responsibility and accountability from fearsomely powerful institutions — are hardly those of the Supreme Soviet.  It is from mainstream Republicans that the truly radical proposals stem, and they could not be more open about it:  Newt Gingrich calls for our only national retirement program to be dismantled.  Rick Perry demands the wholesale elimination of government departments charged with vital roles — at least, the ones he can remember.  Grover Norquist has politicians sign pledges to take part in the murder of the entire concept of public governance.  Every major candidate speaks of a return to the time of robber barons and Edwardian poverty — and it is those who oppose such mad notions who are called out of touch with the mainstream.

The inevitable upshot of talking about your political opponents as if they are immoral, inhuman, and unwanted is that you begin treating them the same way.  I have spoken elsewhere about the need, and even the desirability, of forcing law enforcement into a confrontational position, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy watching the ugly, ’60s-style brutality unleashed on OWS participants in the last few weeks.  It’s bad enough to see protestors gassed, beaten and shot at, but it’s absolutely galling to hear the victims referred to as the threats.   At the now-infamous UC-Davis incident, the chief of the campus police made the claim that her officers felt “threatened” by the peaceful student protestors, who gave them “no way out”; even a cursory glance at photographs and video footage of the incident shows what an utter fantasy this is.  And, lest this be thought of as an aberration, it’s become increasingly clear that this is the officially sanctioned response:  media blackouts have been an integral part of the anti-OWS crackdown, as if the press keeping tabs on the tactics used by police to break up harmless protests is itself a crime to be prevented, and the Department of Homeland Security — itself a grotesque partisan power grab in response to an exaggerated existential threat — has coordinated local responses, making it perfectly clear what side the federal government is on.  Governments calling upon law enforcement to shut down peaceful expressions of popular sentiment is never a good thing, but the fact that thousands of OWS activists have gone to jail while not a single one of the multimillionaires responsible for the current economic crisis has even been charged with a crime ought to be a national disgrace.  (It’s particularly ironic timing, since both the federal government and many conservatives, have loudly deplored the use of similar tactics against pro-democracy protestors in Egypt.  Freedom abroad and repression at home is not a policy to be proud of.)

The difference between politics and propaganda is that one is based on a disagreement, and the other is based on a lie.  One is an instrument of policy, and the other is a weapon of war.  And while the outcome of politics can be unpredictable, the outcome of propaganda never is:  it can, and will, only ever end with a dead body, who will immediately be declared an enemy of the state.  The kind of eliminationist rhetoric being employed by even the highest levels of the right — against people whose only crime is to be victims of a painful economic downturn — is the kind that inevitably leads to the kind of violence we are beginning, and hopefully not only beginning, to see.  Our sympathies do not belong with the police, or with the government, or with the bankers and financiers; they belong with their victims.  And yet we hear Ann Coulter speaking in a positive way about the Kent State killings, suggesting that a few state-sponsored murders would put an end to the protests that so irritate her.  She will surely make this out to be a joke, but Kent State was and is a shameful moment in our history, and it is difficult to fathom the kind of mind who finds anything funny about theoretical democide against the poor.

If this is the message the right wants us to hear — that they hold the power, that they consider the police and the wealthy they protect our proper rulers by simple possession of power, and that they feel that any dissent, however peaceful, against the exercise of the rule by divine right of wealth is an act of treason to be punished by a swift and powerful blow — then they are telling us the kind of world they believe we are living in, and I hope we have the courage and the strength to respond in kind.  But if they truly believe in democracy as anything other than a convenient farce they must play to get their hands on the levers of power, then it’s about time they back off the propaganda and start speaking as if their opponents were living human beings.

With football season over and baseball season about to begin, that means only one thing:  it’s time for the 2011 Funny Name All-Stars announcements!

MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER FUNNY NAME ALL-STARS

• Chicago Fire: Corben Bone, Baggio Husidic, Kwame Watson-Siriboe
• Chivas USA: Kevin Guppy
• Colorado Rapids: Nane Joseph Nane
• Columbus Crew: Dilly Duka
• DC United: Fred
• FC Dallas: George John
• Houston Dynamo: Hunter Freeman
• Los Angeles Galaxy: Donovan Ricketts
• New England Revolution: Kenney Mansally
• New York Red Bulls: Tim Ream, Sinisa Ubiparipovic
• Philadelphia Union: Amobo Okugo
• Portland Timbers: Bright Dike
• Real Salt Lake: Paolo Jr.
• San Jose Earthquakes: Andre Andre Luis
• Seattle Sounders FC: Terry Boss, Jhon Kennedy Hurtado
• Sporting Kansas City: Teal Bunbury, Zoltan Zoltan
• Toronto FC: Nana Attakora
• Vancouver Whitecaps FC: Jonathan Leathers

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL FUNNY NAME ALL-STARS

• Arizona Diamondbacks: J.J. Putz
• Atlanta Braves: Jair Jurrjens
• Baltimore Orioles: Felix Pie, Rick VandenHurk
• Boston Red Sox: Jarrod Saltalamacchia
• Chicago Cubs: Kosuke Fukudome, Koyle Hill
• Chicago White Sox: Erick Threets
• Cincinnati Reds: Yonder Alonzo
• Cleveland Indians: Grady Sizemore
• Colorado Rockies: Jhoulys Chacin
• Detroit Tigers: Alberto Albuquerque, Charlie Furbush, Will Rhymes
• Florida Marlins: Burke Badenhop
• Houston Astros: Jason Bourgeois, Wandy Rodriguez
• Kansas City Royals: Melky Cabrera
• Los Angeles Angels: Jason Bulger
• Los Angeles Dodgers: Blake Hawksworth
• Milwaukee Brewers: Yuniesky Betancourt, Prince Fielder
• Minnesota Twins: Jeff Manship
• New York Mets: Lucas Duda, R.A. Dickey
• New York Yankees: Nick Swisher
• Oakland Athletics: Coco Crisp
• Philadelphia Phillies: Antonio Bastardo, Brian Bocock
• Pittsburgh Pirates: Jon Bowker
• St. Louis Cardinals: Skip Schumacher
• San Diego Padres: Chase Headley
• San Francisco Giants: Madison Bumgarner, Buster Posey
• Seattle Mariners: Milton Bradley, Chone Figgins, Doug Fister
• Tampa Bay Rays: Reid Brignach
• Texas Rangers: Pedro Strop, Taylor Teagarden
• Toronto Blue Jays: Jo-Jo Reyes, Marc Rzepczynski
• Washington Nationals: Atahualpa Severino

NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION FUNNY NAME ALL-STARS

• Atlanta Hawks: Zaza Pachulia
• Boston Celtics: Luke Harongody, Von Wafer
• Charlotte Bobcats: DeSagana Diop
• Chicago Bulls: Carlos Boozer
• Cleveland Cavaliers: Jamario Moon
• Dallas Mavericks: Ian Mahinmi
• Denver Nuggets: Arron Afflalo, Renaldo Balkman, Nene Hilario
• Detroit Pistons: Jonas Jerebko
• Golden State Warriors: Acie Law
• Houston Rockets: Chase Bundinger
• Indiana Pacers: Tyler Hansbrough
• Los Angeles Clippers: Rasual Butler, Ike Diogu
• Los Angeles Lakers: Derrick Caracter
• Memphis Grizzlies: Rudy Gay, Hasheem Thabeet
• Miami Heat: Chris Bosh
• Milwaukee Bucks: Keyon Dooling, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute
• Minnesota Timberwolves: Kosta Koufos
• New Jersey Nets: Derrick Favors
• New Orleans Hornets: DJ Mbenga, Quincy Pondexter
• New York Knicks: Kelenna Azubuike
• Oklahoma City Thunder: Nenad Krstic, Thabo Sefolosha
• Orlando Magic: Hedo Turkoglu
• Philadelphia ’76ers: Marreese Speights
• Phoenix Suns: Zabian Dowdell, Marcin Gortat
• Portland Trail Blazers: Patty Mills
• Sacramento Kings: Luther Head, Pooh Jeter
• San Antonio Spurs: Tiago Splitter
• Toronto Raptors: DeMar DeRozan
• Utah Jazz: Kyrylo Fesenko
• Washington Wizards: Andray Blatche, JaVale McGee

NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE FUNNY NAME ALL-STARS

• Arizona Cardinals: Jay Feely, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, LaRod Stephens-Howling
• Atlanta Falcons: Coy Wire, Bear Woods
• Baltimore Ravens: Todd Heap
• Buffalo Bills: Jehuu Calucrick, Ed Wang, Mansfield Wrotto
• Carolina Panthers: Captain Munnerlyn, Keith Null
• Chicago Bears: Josh Bullocks, Julius Peppers
• Cincinnati Bengals: Frostee Rucker, Fui Vakapuna
• Cleveland Browns: Ko Quaye
• Dallas Cowboys: Tashard Choice
• Denver Broncos: Knowshon Moreno, Sydquon Thompson
• Detroit Lions: Joe Jon Finley, Sammie Hill
• Green Bay Packers: Brad Chillar, A.J. Hawk
• Houston Texans: Trindon Holliday
• Indianapolis Colts: Kole Heckendorf
• Jacksonville Jaguars: Guy Whimper
• Kansas City Chiefs: Jerheme Urban
• Miami Dolphins: Richie Incognito, Lousaka Polite
• Minnesota Vikings: Adrian Awasom, Cord Parks
• New England Patriots: BenJarvus Green-Ellis
• New Orleans Saints: Jermon Bushrod
• New York Giants: Madison Hedgecock, Ayanga Okpokowuruk, Sage Rosenfels
• New York Jets: D’Brickashaw Ferguson, Drew Willy
• Oakland Raiders: Rock Cartwright, John Condo
• Philadelphia Eagles: Brodrick Bunkley, Moise Fokou
• Pittsburgh Steelers: Maurkice Pouncey, Limas Sweed
• St. Louis Rams: C.J. Ah You, Michael Hoomanawanui
• San Diego Chargers: James Dearth
• San Francisco ’49ers: Travis LaBoy, Lance Long
• Seattle Seahawks: Tyler Polumbus
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Kregg Lumpkin, Stylez G White
• Tennessee Titans: Riar Geers, Yamon Figurs
• Washington Redskins: Mike Furrey

NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE FUNNY NAME ALL-STARS

• Anaheim Ducks: Kyle Chipchura
• Atlanta Thrashers: Dustin Byfuglien
• Boston Bruins: Johnny Boychuck
• Buffalo Sabres: Craig Rivet
• Calgary Flames: Jay Bouwmeester
• Carolina Hurricanes: Tuomo Ruutu
• Chicago Blackhawks: Michael Frolik
• Colorado Avalanche: Brandon Yip
• Columbus Blue Jackets: Grant Clitsome
• Dallas Stars: Karlis Skrastins
• Detroit Pistons: Justin Abdelkaber
• Edmonton Oilers: Taylor Chorney, Shawn Horcoff
• Florida Panthers: Keaton Ellerby, Darcy Hordichuk, Marty Reasoner
• Los Angeles Kings: Jonathan Quick
• Minnesota Wild: Cal Clutterbuck, Clayton Stoner
• Montreal Canadiens: Roman Hamrlik
• Nashville Predators: David Legwand, Jordin Tootoo
• New Jersey Devils: Anssi Salmela
• New York Islanders: Jesse Joensuu, Zenon Konopka, Rob Schrempf
• New York Rangers: Mats Zuccarello
• Ottawa Senators: Colin Greening
• Philadelphia Flyers: Darroll Powe, Chris Pronger
• Phoenix Coyotes: Vernon Fiddler, Nolan Yonkman
• Pittsburgh Penguins: Alex Goligoski
• St. Louis Blues: Carlo Colaiacovo, B.J. Crombeen, Nikita Nikitin
• San Jose Sharks: Ben Eager
• Tampa Bay Lightning: Matt Smaby
• Toronto Maple Leafs: Tyler Bozak, Joey Crabb
• Vancouver Canucks: Manny Malhotra
• Washington Capitals: Jason Chimera