LUDIC LIVE

If only the eliminated contestants would disappear forever.  If only I had written this in March when it had a tiny amount of relevance.  If only I hadn’t filled out my actually NCAA brackets based on which team had the guys with the funniest names.  So many regrets.

Cultural Conference, Round 1

Guy Who Bears An Irrational Hatred of Dubstep But Isn’t Quite Sure What It Is vs. Guy Whose Only Opinion About Music Is That It Hasn’t Been Any Good Since 1982

Guy Who Constantly Makes Incredibly Petty Factual Corrections Preceded With The Word “Actually” vs. Woman Who Thinks That Being A Stickler For Grammar Is The Same Thing As Being A Literary Critic

Guy Who Scornfully Shits All Over Anything That Is Popular vs. Guy Who Thinks He Is Super Brave And Hip For Liking Popular Things

Guy Who Gets Strangely Upset About The Casting Of Black Actors In Genre Fiction Films vs. Woman Who Is Angrily Defensive About Reading Nothing But Young Adult Novels

Guy Who Claims To Really Hate Furries But Also Knows An Alarmingly Large Amount Of Details About Them vs. Guy Who Quotes Immanuel Kant When Talking About Giant Robot Cartoons

Guy Whose Reaction To Everything Is To Quote South Park vs. Woman Who Spends 14 Hours A Day Writing Stories Where Male Space Aliens Have Tender Sex With One Another

Woman Who Counts The Number Of People Of Color In The Cast Of A Television Show Before Watching It vs. Guy Who Gets Super Angry About Spike Lee Even When Spike Lee Is Not The Topic Of Conversation

Guy Who Has Written 2,217 Wikipedia Entries About The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers vs. Guy Who Complains That Video Game Commercials Have Girls In Them

Lifestyle Conference, Round 1

Guy Who Has A Google Alert Set Up To Inform Him If Anyone Makes A Disparaging Comment About Esperanto vs. Guy Who Thinks That Buying Beer That Costs Less Than $3 A Six-Pack Makes Him An Outlaw Rebel Hero

Woman Who Believes That If She Constantly Updates Her “Oenophile” Blog No One Will Notice That She’s A Sloppy Drunk vs. Guy Who Has Written 28,000 Words On Hundreds Of Identical-Tasting Potato Chips

Guy Who Thinks Everyone Else Is Stoned vs. Guy Who Thinks Everyone Else Is Gay

Guy Who Is Having A Hard Time Making Ends Meet On His $475,000 Annual Salary vs. Woman Who Just Can’t Believe How Everyone But Her Raises Their Children

Guy Who Is Creepily Obsessed With Guns But Has Never Owned One Or Fired One vs. Woman Who Is Always Trying To Convince You That Her All-Raw Food Vegan Diet Is Way More Awesome Than Steak

Guy Who Always Calls Celebrities By Their First Name Like He’s Their Best Friend Or Something vs. Woman Who Comes Up With Hilarious Puns On Celebrities’ Names To Show How Much She Hates Them

Guy Who Doesn’t Think There’s Anything Unusual About The Fact That He Only Dates Asian Women vs. Woman Who Has A Bunch Of “Girl Crushes” But Does Not Actually Date Real Humans Of Either Sex

Guy Who Claims To Be A Wealthy Businessman Even Though All He Does Is Post On Comment Boards All Day vs. Guy Who Is Mad About Teenagers Who Get Enthusiastic About Things He Has Already Known About For Years

Political Conference, Round 1

Guy Who Uses The Internet At His State College To Complain About Government Spending vs. Guy Who Spells America With Three Ks

Guy Who Thinks That The Existence Of Michael Moore Invalidates 250 Years Of Progressivism vs. Woman Who Calls Ann Coulter A Cunt But Gets Bent Out Of Shape At Fat Jokes About Jonah Goldberg

Guy Who Still Gets Super Pissed About The Lawsuit Involving The Old Lady Who Got Burned By McDonalds Coffee vs. Guy Whose Trust Fund Pays For His Tuition At Columbia But Eats Out Of Dumpsters

Woman Who Isn’t Racist But vs. Guy Who Doesn’t Hate Gays He Is Just Saying That’s All

Guy Who Makes $20,500 A Year And Hates All Those Liberal Jerks Who Want To Tax The Rich vs. Woman Who Awkwardly Tries To Express Cultural Solidarity With Her Cleaning Lady

Guy Who Thinks We Can’t Give People Unemployment Insurance Because Of What Stalin Did vs. Guy Who Pretends That His All-Consuming Interest In Marijuana Has Something To Do With Medicine

Guy Who Thinks There’s No Political Issue That Can’t Be Solved By Nuking Something vs. Guy Who Longs For The Triumphant Return Of The Free Soil Party

Guy Who Haunts IMDB Message Boards Complaining That Every Movie Is Proof Of A Vast Liberal Conspiracy vs. Woman Who Thinks Politics Are Just Unpleasant And Why Can’t We All Just Talk About Nice Things

This article is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.  Every time someone asks me why I hate Cubs fans so much, I’m just going to send them a link to it.  It’s a perfect encapsulation of their moronic faith in a team that has achieved the status of empire by relying on the fans not giving a shit if they win or lose.  Let’s watch!

When I was a reporter for the Washington Post, I was known as the “guy in the Cubs hat.”

Ha ha, no, that’s not what you were known as.  That’s just what they called you when you were listening.

If he can do for Chicago what he did for Boston, it will be great for him personally.

And here’s where he explains why it wouldn’t be good for the Cubs to win two World Series.  He doesn’t?  Oh, okay, fine.  I’ll just make up my own reasons.  (Also:  note typical Cubs fan use of “Chicago”, as if there were no other team in the city.  Say, one that won a championship in the last decade.  Or century.)

A major part of the headline will be: “Epstein leads Red Sox and Cubs to World Series victories.”

That’s just part of the headline?  Pretty fucking big headline.

But after everything Cubs fans have been through, that’s not good enough for me.

I call upon you to contemplate the kind of mind for whom two World Series in eight years is not good enough, but no World Series in one hundred and three years has been perfectly acceptable.

And what about if the Cubs don’t win it all?

BOY YEAH WHAT IF THAT HAPPENED!  Can you imagine!

When I was covering the inaugural season of the Washington Nationals in 2005, I ran into Mark Grace and asked him what was so special about playing for the Cubs.

Ironclad rule of sportswriting:  anytime you write something about why the Cubbies are “special” instead of “historically awful”, you must include a quote from Mark ‘Slumpbuster‘ Grace, the biggest douchebag to ever wear their uniform.

“I played on some bad teams,” Grace said. “But if you gave the fans an honest effort and busted your butt, they loved you win or lose. And it’s not that way everywhere.”

True! In most places, fans do not love it when you lose.

Sadly, it’s not that way in Chicago anymore either.

Yes, sadly, in Chicago — or, rather, the part of Chicago that does not enjoy winning ballgames — the team has transformed from a good old hardworking team of shitty scrubs who lose at baseball in the same way their incompetent, useless forefathers did into a soulless conglomerate of billionaires who lose at baseball like computers or robots or some other kind of machine that has been programmed to lose.

Several years ago, I was at a game with a few buddies. The Cubs had already started to change. Instead of trying to win through a solid farm system, scouting, and patience (see Texas, Tampa Bay, and Epstein’s Red Sox), they started going after high-priced free agents like Alfonso Soriano and big-name managers like Lou Piniella. The team had one of the top payrolls in the league, but it wasn’t translating into victories.

Our brave hero longs for the day when the Cubs would lose by developing a crackerjack farm system, and then systematically ruining its players through mismanagement, overuse, waste, and incompetence. Not like today, when they lose by spending lots of money on proven talent, and then ruining them in similar, but somehow frustratingly different, ways!

That’s when I heard it. I’ve been to literally hundreds of games at Wrigley Field, but never heard this sound before.

The P.A. announcing a Cubs win? Ha, ha, no, I kid because I love, idiot Cubs fans.

“What is that?” I asked my friend. “Boos,” he answered.

“That can’t be it,” I said. “I’ve heard booze tons of times. The siren song of shitty watered-down domestic beer calls to me every time I force myself to sit through another loss in this urine-reeking graveyard of joy.” But he soon explained to me my mistake.

And that’s the first time I realized the Cubs were changing. Wrigley Field used to be a place to be part of something unique. There was honor to being a Cubs fan.

Is that what you call it.

We might not have been rewarded by World Series victories, but what we got was more valuable. We got optimism. And perseverance.

This is like those contemptible schmucks who defend some lamestain $5 million second baseman with a .502 OPS and hands made of Japanese porcelain by saying he’s got “heart” or “guts” or “intangibles” or some other shitmouth excuse for not benching a guy who’s costing the team ten games a season.

We believed that even though the Cubs didn’t win this year, maybe they would next year.

Or maybe they would the year after that. Or maybe one of the subsequent 100 fucking years.

And that was enough to keep us going.

And that is why the owners will never, ever bring you a championship. Because they know you don’t care.

The team might wear the same uniform and live in the same house, but its essence is totally different.

It has been sapped and impurified by a Communist plot to introduce fluoride into children’s ice cream.

And so is that of its fans: Look what happened to Bartman.

Like 99% of everything ever said by a Cubs fan about Steve Bartman, this makes no sense whatsoever. I would consider asking the writer to explain the comment, but I don’t believe it would be to anyone’s benefit.

Yes, Epstein led the Red Sox to two world championships, but now the city is totally turning on the team because they didn’t win “this” year. I don’t want that for my team. A championship’s not worth it.

I would much prefer another century of utter futility, as long as it doesn’t result in anyone ever being asked to account for their inability to do their job in a measurable meritocracy with absolute statistical benchmarks of success. Endless failure is a small price to pay for not ever having to learn anything.

The Cubs don’t always need to chase the biggest name. Instead, let’s do what the Red Sox did. They gave a local guy a shot. Epstein was personally invested in the team and delivered. It worked because he was one of them. Same as Nolan Ryan in Texas.

The writer seems to be implying that he would like someone to run the Cubs who is from the Chicago area and has a background with the team, but I can’t imagine who he might be talking about. Gary Gaetti? Jim Sundberg? The revivified corpse of Lou Boudreau? (Not that selecting a Ray Harryhausen animated skeleton to lead the team would be the worst move the Cubs ever made.) He probably means some painted clownfish of an ‘honorary Chicagoan’ like Sammy fucking Sosa.

And you don’t always need a homegrown guy.

Oh, I see. You couldn’t think of anybody either.

Of course my buddies think I’m nuts (and a few other things I can’t print). They say, “I don’t care how we do it, I just want to finally win.”

I think his buddies must be fans of a different team.

But if I’ve waited this long, invested this much, I want more.

More than what, you point-deficient cretin? Gaaah. Wrigley Field is choked with fog-headed dullards like this every day of the season.

So if you want to root for Theo Epstein to make it to the Hall of Fame, go for it. As for me, I’m rooting to get my team back.

This is like those Tea Party dolts who want to “take the country back”. Back from who? The new shitty owners? The old shitty owners? The other fans? Back to what? Losing? Because as far as I can see, you’re still in full possession of that.

So that when the Cubs do eventually win — and I know they will one of these years — the championship will honor all the Cubs fans who have rooted for them throughout the last 100 years, not a GM from Boston.

You just keep waiting for the day when your imaginary championships have cleared the hurdle of not being honor-y enough, pal. The rest of baseball will go about trying to win in more traditional, non-hallucinatory ways.

Gary Karton is a speechwriter in Washington, D.C.

And a chump wherever he goes.

Leave it to Dave fucking Eggers on Grant-fucking-land to write the ultimate paean to the horseshit “Who cares if the Cubs suck forever and ever, Wrigley Field is TOTALLY SO MUCH FUN” mentality.

The thing is so reeking of sensa-wunda excrement that the not-true-since-at-least-2005 accusation that White Sox Park is “soulless” is the least of my problems with it. Much worse:

- Characterizing that piss-stinking dump as a “neighborhood” ballpark, which is accurate in the sense that it is located in an unbelievably expensive neighborhood that only the richest people in town can even afford to park in.

- The constant reinforcement of the “who cares if we win, we’re at Wrigley, WHEEEEEE” mentality, which is why I will never ever feel sorry for the dumbfuck Cubs fans, because management knows they think this way and that’s why they’ll never field a decent ball club.

- Eggers’ mistaken belief that it makes him seem like a delightful man-child with a youthful sense of wonder, instead of a hyperactive 14-year-old dullard, that he went to the motherfucking WORLD SERIES — something that millions of real baseball fans will never be lucky or rich enough to do their whole lives — and wasn’t able to pay the least bit of attention to the game because he was too distracted by the shiny lights and pretty building and fancy water and blah blah cocks in my mouth.

- Citing some of the worst things about the Cubs culture as if they were the best things about Cubs culture (“There are about 1,000 people who watch the Cubs from across Sheffield and across Waveland. Even when the stadium isn’t full, the rooftops are. This says a lot about baseball in Wrigleyville…what’s that guy doing with his stomach over there? And where’s the beer guy? And who’s playing at the Cubby Bear tonight? Peter Tosh’s brother? Should we leave after this inning to get a seat near the stage?”), and actually citing the fact that the Red Sox win ball games as being a reason not to go to games, because you expect your team to win, and the fact that they might not gets you all tense and bums you out.

- Actually having the stones to claim that the Cubs organization — the greediest, money-grubbingest, a-shit-not-givingest ownership group this side of the Yankees* — is an “inverted model of capitalism” that helps the neighborhood “profit” from its shithole of a ballpark, unlike all those clubs that have moved their parks “50 miles outside” of town. Hey, Dave: ask the local businesses who take a massive hit during every Cubs day game because people can’t afford $35 parking to come to their shops if the Cubs are good for their profit margins. Ask the city of Chicago, who has twice had to sue the team (for not performing required upkeep on the stadium and grounds), if they’re nurturing a sense of community. And ask the teams whose stadiums are located 50 miles out of town — oh, wait, you can’t, because of the 30 MLB team, 27 of them play in the city limits of their hometown, within three miles of downtown, and of the three who don’t, one of them is moving to a downtown location next year. Here’s a hint, asshole: White Sox park is actually in Chicago. The fact that you see black people there who aren’t cleaning the toilets doesn’t mean it’s in another county.

*: I take it back. The Yankees are greedy and money-grubbing, but at least they care about winning.

Now that the NCAA tournament is over, sports chatter will finally be able to turn to where it belongs — the beginning of baseball season — and away from a bunch of teenagers playing bad basketball.

This year’s college hoops championship game was a dreadful affair by any reckoning, but even in the best of times, I’ve been unable to figure out why collegiate sports of any kind exercise such a powerful hold over the public imagination.  I understand why they’d be popular with a school’s alma mater; I played baseball in college myself, and occasionally check in on how the old side is doing.  I also understand why college athletics are popular with the school administration; they’re the biggest cash cows on campus.  What I don’t quite get, despite decades of having it ‘explained’ to me, is why anyone other than a graduate (or an athlete’s family) would care about college sports.

Sports, after all, is one of the only true meritocracies we have.  It’s almost singular as a field where, as a general rule, the best rise to the top, and success is based purely on ability.  90% of the athletes in any college sport simply aren’t that good; they stand little to no chance of advancing to the professional leagues.  If your interest in athletics lies in watching the best possible teams pit their skills against one another — and why on Earth wouldn’t it? — then the professional leagues are what you should be watching.  Certainly I won’t argue that there’s no such thing as a bad pro contest; I wouldn’t wish the L.A. Clippers on my worst enemy.  But, having said that, the worst player on the Clips is better than the best player on half the teams who make the NCAA tournament, and the team as a whole would likely dominate any team that’s made it to the Final Four in the last three decades.  Simply put, watching college sports is literally amateur hour; in any major sport you can name — football, baseball, basketball, hockey or soccer — the worst pro teams are more accomplished, more skillful and more enjoyable to watch than the best college teams.

Why, then, would anyone bother?  The reasons I’m usually given ring false to me.  Much is made of the ‘purity’ of the game; this strikes me as the same sort of bafflegab one hears from old baseball sentimentalists yammering on about ‘intangibles’.  Maybe the college teams are playing for the love of the game, but until that starts showing up on the stat lines, I frankly don’t give a shit.  The idea that amateur athletics are infused with a sort of nobility that stems from their lesser quality — sorry, their ‘fundamentals’ — also seems bogus.  The cultivation of aesthetically pleasing amateurism belongs in the realm of art, where it can be judged by non-objective standards.  Why spoil one of the only meritocracies we have by introducing excuses for a lack of skill?  It may be admirable for someone to cultivate the ability to hit 100 free throws in a row, but no one wants to watch that on TV.  At this point, with ethical standards endemic to the system, billions of dollars spent on college athletic programs and funneled through legal and illegal gambling, and the pervasive influence of money and status no longer subject even to the pretense of ignorance, surely no one will argue that there’s anything more morally pure or honest about college sports; professionals, who tell no lies about playing the game for money, seem to me the honest ones.  And the more people who watch college ball, the more corrupt it becomes, meaning that its fans are part of the problem, no matter what their intentions.

Over and above this, there’s something mildly embarrassing, verging on the pathetic, about grown adults who obsess over college sports.  Sports fans of any degree are hard enough to talk to, but can you imagine having a meaningful or even tolerable discussion with Mel Kiper Jr.?  What must the lives be like of the ex-jocks in their mid-40s who are paid to hang around college campuses, trying to coax an interesting comment out of a 19-year-old power forward?  (It’s ridiculous enough we ever interview athletes at all, since we don’t pay them because we think they have clever things to say.  But the mind absolutely reels at the notion of how much air time is wasted each year gathering the wisdom of a hulking boob whose coach pays someone to sit through his gut classes.)  What could possibly be more dreadful than the pretense that one knows enough about all 68 college basketball teams in the NCAA tourney to make a remotely reasonable guess about their performance?  Only actually knowing enough.

It’s not quite as pitiful as caring about prep sports; grown men spending their timing hanging out in a high school locker room, asking a 15-year-old to analyze his on-field performance for their fellow lunatics, are beyond pathetic and well into depressing with a handful of creepy thrown in.  But while I know that nothing will diminish my fellow sports fans’ mania for college ball, I’ll be damned if I’ll ever understand it, and the second week in April will ever remain one of my favorite weeks of the year, because that’s the time we can finally stop pretending to give a shit about what a bunch of future washouts from Bumfuck State are capable of accomplishing, and go back to watching the grown-ups play.

With football season over and baseball season about to begin, that means only one thing:  it’s time for the 2011 Funny Name All-Stars announcements!

MAJOR LEAGUE SOCCER FUNNY NAME ALL-STARS

• Chicago Fire: Corben Bone, Baggio Husidic, Kwame Watson-Siriboe
• Chivas USA: Kevin Guppy
• Colorado Rapids: Nane Joseph Nane
• Columbus Crew: Dilly Duka
• DC United: Fred
• FC Dallas: George John
• Houston Dynamo: Hunter Freeman
• Los Angeles Galaxy: Donovan Ricketts
• New England Revolution: Kenney Mansally
• New York Red Bulls: Tim Ream, Sinisa Ubiparipovic
• Philadelphia Union: Amobo Okugo
• Portland Timbers: Bright Dike
• Real Salt Lake: Paolo Jr.
• San Jose Earthquakes: Andre Andre Luis
• Seattle Sounders FC: Terry Boss, Jhon Kennedy Hurtado
• Sporting Kansas City: Teal Bunbury, Zoltan Zoltan
• Toronto FC: Nana Attakora
• Vancouver Whitecaps FC: Jonathan Leathers

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL FUNNY NAME ALL-STARS

• Arizona Diamondbacks: J.J. Putz
• Atlanta Braves: Jair Jurrjens
• Baltimore Orioles: Felix Pie, Rick VandenHurk
• Boston Red Sox: Jarrod Saltalamacchia
• Chicago Cubs: Kosuke Fukudome, Koyle Hill
• Chicago White Sox: Erick Threets
• Cincinnati Reds: Yonder Alonzo
• Cleveland Indians: Grady Sizemore
• Colorado Rockies: Jhoulys Chacin
• Detroit Tigers: Alberto Albuquerque, Charlie Furbush, Will Rhymes
• Florida Marlins: Burke Badenhop
• Houston Astros: Jason Bourgeois, Wandy Rodriguez
• Kansas City Royals: Melky Cabrera
• Los Angeles Angels: Jason Bulger
• Los Angeles Dodgers: Blake Hawksworth
• Milwaukee Brewers: Yuniesky Betancourt, Prince Fielder
• Minnesota Twins: Jeff Manship
• New York Mets: Lucas Duda, R.A. Dickey
• New York Yankees: Nick Swisher
• Oakland Athletics: Coco Crisp
• Philadelphia Phillies: Antonio Bastardo, Brian Bocock
• Pittsburgh Pirates: Jon Bowker
• St. Louis Cardinals: Skip Schumacher
• San Diego Padres: Chase Headley
• San Francisco Giants: Madison Bumgarner, Buster Posey
• Seattle Mariners: Milton Bradley, Chone Figgins, Doug Fister
• Tampa Bay Rays: Reid Brignach
• Texas Rangers: Pedro Strop, Taylor Teagarden
• Toronto Blue Jays: Jo-Jo Reyes, Marc Rzepczynski
• Washington Nationals: Atahualpa Severino

NATIONAL BASKETBALL ASSOCIATION FUNNY NAME ALL-STARS

• Atlanta Hawks: Zaza Pachulia
• Boston Celtics: Luke Harongody, Von Wafer
• Charlotte Bobcats: DeSagana Diop
• Chicago Bulls: Carlos Boozer
• Cleveland Cavaliers: Jamario Moon
• Dallas Mavericks: Ian Mahinmi
• Denver Nuggets: Arron Afflalo, Renaldo Balkman, Nene Hilario
• Detroit Pistons: Jonas Jerebko
• Golden State Warriors: Acie Law
• Houston Rockets: Chase Bundinger
• Indiana Pacers: Tyler Hansbrough
• Los Angeles Clippers: Rasual Butler, Ike Diogu
• Los Angeles Lakers: Derrick Caracter
• Memphis Grizzlies: Rudy Gay, Hasheem Thabeet
• Miami Heat: Chris Bosh
• Milwaukee Bucks: Keyon Dooling, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute
• Minnesota Timberwolves: Kosta Koufos
• New Jersey Nets: Derrick Favors
• New Orleans Hornets: DJ Mbenga, Quincy Pondexter
• New York Knicks: Kelenna Azubuike
• Oklahoma City Thunder: Nenad Krstic, Thabo Sefolosha
• Orlando Magic: Hedo Turkoglu
• Philadelphia ’76ers: Marreese Speights
• Phoenix Suns: Zabian Dowdell, Marcin Gortat
• Portland Trail Blazers: Patty Mills
• Sacramento Kings: Luther Head, Pooh Jeter
• San Antonio Spurs: Tiago Splitter
• Toronto Raptors: DeMar DeRozan
• Utah Jazz: Kyrylo Fesenko
• Washington Wizards: Andray Blatche, JaVale McGee

NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE FUNNY NAME ALL-STARS

• Arizona Cardinals: Jay Feely, Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, LaRod Stephens-Howling
• Atlanta Falcons: Coy Wire, Bear Woods
• Baltimore Ravens: Todd Heap
• Buffalo Bills: Jehuu Calucrick, Ed Wang, Mansfield Wrotto
• Carolina Panthers: Captain Munnerlyn, Keith Null
• Chicago Bears: Josh Bullocks, Julius Peppers
• Cincinnati Bengals: Frostee Rucker, Fui Vakapuna
• Cleveland Browns: Ko Quaye
• Dallas Cowboys: Tashard Choice
• Denver Broncos: Knowshon Moreno, Sydquon Thompson
• Detroit Lions: Joe Jon Finley, Sammie Hill
• Green Bay Packers: Brad Chillar, A.J. Hawk
• Houston Texans: Trindon Holliday
• Indianapolis Colts: Kole Heckendorf
• Jacksonville Jaguars: Guy Whimper
• Kansas City Chiefs: Jerheme Urban
• Miami Dolphins: Richie Incognito, Lousaka Polite
• Minnesota Vikings: Adrian Awasom, Cord Parks
• New England Patriots: BenJarvus Green-Ellis
• New Orleans Saints: Jermon Bushrod
• New York Giants: Madison Hedgecock, Ayanga Okpokowuruk, Sage Rosenfels
• New York Jets: D’Brickashaw Ferguson, Drew Willy
• Oakland Raiders: Rock Cartwright, John Condo
• Philadelphia Eagles: Brodrick Bunkley, Moise Fokou
• Pittsburgh Steelers: Maurkice Pouncey, Limas Sweed
• St. Louis Rams: C.J. Ah You, Michael Hoomanawanui
• San Diego Chargers: James Dearth
• San Francisco ’49ers: Travis LaBoy, Lance Long
• Seattle Seahawks: Tyler Polumbus
• Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Kregg Lumpkin, Stylez G White
• Tennessee Titans: Riar Geers, Yamon Figurs
• Washington Redskins: Mike Furrey

NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE FUNNY NAME ALL-STARS

• Anaheim Ducks: Kyle Chipchura
• Atlanta Thrashers: Dustin Byfuglien
• Boston Bruins: Johnny Boychuck
• Buffalo Sabres: Craig Rivet
• Calgary Flames: Jay Bouwmeester
• Carolina Hurricanes: Tuomo Ruutu
• Chicago Blackhawks: Michael Frolik
• Colorado Avalanche: Brandon Yip
• Columbus Blue Jackets: Grant Clitsome
• Dallas Stars: Karlis Skrastins
• Detroit Pistons: Justin Abdelkaber
• Edmonton Oilers: Taylor Chorney, Shawn Horcoff
• Florida Panthers: Keaton Ellerby, Darcy Hordichuk, Marty Reasoner
• Los Angeles Kings: Jonathan Quick
• Minnesota Wild: Cal Clutterbuck, Clayton Stoner
• Montreal Canadiens: Roman Hamrlik
• Nashville Predators: David Legwand, Jordin Tootoo
• New Jersey Devils: Anssi Salmela
• New York Islanders: Jesse Joensuu, Zenon Konopka, Rob Schrempf
• New York Rangers: Mats Zuccarello
• Ottawa Senators: Colin Greening
• Philadelphia Flyers: Darroll Powe, Chris Pronger
• Phoenix Coyotes: Vernon Fiddler, Nolan Yonkman
• Pittsburgh Penguins: Alex Goligoski
• St. Louis Blues: Carlo Colaiacovo, B.J. Crombeen, Nikita Nikitin
• San Jose Sharks: Ben Eager
• Tampa Bay Lightning: Matt Smaby
• Toronto Maple Leafs: Tyler Bozak, Joey Crabb
• Vancouver Canucks: Manny Malhotra
• Washington Capitals: Jason Chimera

So Andy Gray, the voice of Sky Sports for two decades and one of the most familiar announcers in soccer, has been sacked.  He takes with him his hench-creature Richard Keys, along with any pretense that soccer announcers are any less cretinous than the voices of American sporting events.  Gray (who will be familiar even to the most casual American fans of international football thanks to his frequent appearances as the stock voice of FIFA video games) shared with Keys a grasp of the game that translated to extremely dull and predictable commentary; he also, unsurprisingly, shared with Keys a good-old-lads clubhouse sexism and an inflated sense of his invulnerability.  This was the quality that led the two of them to make some extremely impolitic remarks, both on and off the air, about a female referee, a lineswoman, and a female West Ham executive. (Of course, he’s been trashing refs and execs his whole career, in his half-assed way; but these folks he attacked for no other reason than that eternal sportsman’s sin, the lack of a penis.)

Now, the details of what they said aren’t really important; it’s the same old sexist horseshit that men in sport have been making for a century, spoken by decaying old farts who can’t get used to the fact that they can no longer vent their 19th-century opinions in public without repercussions anymore.  The details of what their defenders have had to say are equally unimportant; it’s the same as every other moronic defense of racism, sexism, and homophobia offered by the low-grade overfed washouts who think of sports as the last bastion of their chuckleheaded vision of society.  Reading about it puts one in the exact same position as George Carlin, who found himself paralyzed with indecision over which group was the more reprehensible, sports fans or sports media.  (There are those who will, as they always do, lament the loss of ‘a great talent’ to an unfortunate series of tongue-slips, but those who know Andy Gray as an overpaid, overfed and overrated un-personality who could easily be replaced by one of his video game AIs without anyone noticing aren’t likely to mourn this as the disappearance of a modern-day Howard Cosell.)

What’s noteworthy, which is to say comical, about the whole affair, I think, is one of Gray’s remarks:  as he and Keys sneered at female official Sian Massey during a match, they agreed one one enormously important point of contention:  “What do women know,” Gray dripped, “about the offside rule?”  Not only is this ridiculous on its face — in the grand scheme of things, that is, who gives a fuck about the offside rule? — but it’s idiotic within the limits of the conversation.  Plenty of pundits, from the genuinely gifted to throwback dimwits like Gray, have told us for generations that one of the things that is so great about ‘the beautiful game’ is its simplicity.  Compared to most American team sports, soccer’s rules are extremely easy to understand; this is part of its appeal.  Of the major U.S. team games, only basketball comes close, and even it’s far more complex than the rules of football; compare it to cricket and enjoy the subsequent migraine.  In the miniature scheme of things, that is, who doesn’t know about the offside rule?  Gray doesn’t just think women are dumb; he thinks they’re so dumb that they can’t understand one of the simplest rules in the simplest sport in the world.

Enjoy the dole, Andy; it looks good on you.